INAUGURAL SPRING OLYMPICS CELEBRATED WITH STYLE
By BOB COSTAS
Associated Press Writer
PHOENIX (AP) -- The Inaugural Spring Olympics were held in Phoenix, Arizona this past weekend at the Desert Horizon Park. After IST related delays and a lengthy warm-up, the games got underway.
The 3-legged race provided moments of excitement and shock. In the first heat, Djibouti's failed attempt at a diving finish really caught the crowd's eye. The crowd was shocked to watch the racers from North Borneo suffered massive injuries in the second heat. The mismatched duo from Lichtenstein took Gold in the final race. The Lemon-Spoon race opened some eyes, as many of the countries had never actually seen Lemons. While Djibouti had plenty of time to showboat at the end, it was North Borneo and Swaziland who stole the show by forcing a sudden death one-on-one race after a clambering tie for third place in the semi-finals.
The Frisbee toss was marked by dismal failure around the world as, apparently, nobody can throw things through a regulation sized hula hoop. The only ray of light was one rookie boomerang thrower from Djibouti who managed to get one through the hoop on the last throw of the event. This would prove crucial for the final medal count and earned Gosalia the MVP.
The Balloon Hold race showed a variety of strategies. Serious waddlers faced off against furious bunny hoppers and the crowd was really given a spectacle. Swaziland took home the Gold by a wide margin.
Water balloon tossing provided the Olympic committee with a quandry. Three teams exploded their balloons for a 3-way tie for Bronze; half-points were award to each. Some have asked the OC to review their grade school maths. North Borneo outlasted the competition, successfully throwing and catching the balloon over 73.8 ft.
A small display of aggression from the unborn Lichtensteinian Olympian got out of hand and Uzbekistan paid the price. Rules of conduct for unborn Olympians were enforced and the child will be grounded upon birth.
By far the most excitement, chaos and general rabble-rousing came at the Watering Hole event. The event brought the house to its knees as what was supposed to be a game of dexterity became a game of raw jungle war. Hoffman's straight arm technique and various other hand-slapping from all nations, again, put the OC in a quandary. In the end, instant replay was not used; however, the Silver medal was awarded to both Botswana and Swaziland. This provided some relief to the internal conflict of the Botswana team as their day-long efforts had been marked with tension and strife. Lichtenstein was the team fastest to fill the cup on their teammate's head with 12 teaspoons of water.
The final competition, Kickball, changed the world as we know it. Tybor was able to throw P.Shah out from 40 yards away, making it the longest out in history. The, otherwise nonexistent, Shah sibling rivalry was on full display when Djibouti threw Botswana out at first base. While the spectators feared a hit in the face, replays and interviews confirmed that it was a hit to a shoulder. The final result was a resounding 8-1 victory by Lichtenstein, North Borneo and Djibouti.
The medal ceremony was marked with celebratory attacks from other teams. Uzbekistan and Botswana soaked Djibouti on the Gold medal stand while Lichtenstein led the water balloon attack. The world was delighted to learn that the medals were actually recycled Salsa jar lids and wore them proudly through the night.
The unique closing ceremonies featured vegetarian barbecue, ungodly amounts of food and drink, video games, poker, polka music, old ladies sitting outside in their knitted blankets, and general merriment. Congratulations to all of the Olympians and hope to see them in 2014.
The final medal count:
| Country||Medal ||Points |
| Djibouti||Hot ||10 |
| Lichtenstein||Medium ||9.5 |
| Swaziland||Mild ||8.5 |
| Uzbekistan|| ||6.5 |
| North Borneo|| ||6 |
| Botswana|| ||3 |